The words we speak can do more than express the feelings in our hearts; they can also bind us and guide us when those feelings change.

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Overview

When we love someone, nothing is more natural than wanting to tell that person how we feel. Love can be expressed in many ways, but words are the most common. Unfortunately, it is also true that we often forget the words we spoke when the feelings that prompted them fade or change. Because we don’t want that to happen—we really do mean what we say!—we search for ways to commemorate our words, to remind others and ourselves of the feelings we have and the promises we have made.

Of course the most common time when people make vows is when they get married. Over two million couples get married in the United States every year. Sometimes those couples will exchange traditional vows as part of a church or worship service. These vows can make them feel connected not just to each other but to those who have spoken the same words before them, and to God, to whom they also direct their promises. Other couples, like Leo and Paige in The Vow, write their own promises as a means of making their vows feel more personal to them.

This study examines the practice of making vows depicted in the film. What exactly is a vow? Is it different from a covenant, and if so, how? Does Jesus’ command to not swear also mean that we should never make a vow? In The Vow, two people make promises to one another, and then something extraordinary and unexpected happens. We can hope and expect that nothing similar will ever happen to us, but by imagining ourselves in their place we may be able to understand better the practice of making vows and how it affects us.

Discussion Guide

    • Movie Summary

    • Discussing the Scenes

1. Exchanging Vows
Ecclesiastes 5:1–7; Psalm 15:1–5; Matthew 5:33–37

The Hebrew portion of the Bible (the Old Testament) uses different words which are alternately translated as “vow” and “oath.” The author of Ecclesiastes speaks of making a vow “to God” and warns that it is better not to make a vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. In Psalm 15, David describes the righteous man as one who keeps his oath even when it hurts. Jesus admonishes his listeners not to swear oaths at all. Given all these admonishments, it is surprising how quick we are to make vows or ask others to make them. Why? Is it because we want to believe that absent a vow, failure to follow through on our promises is less wrong? Do we feel more confident that others will act out of a sense of duty or compulsion than that their feelings or intentions won’t change?

2.A Moment of Perfect Love
Luke 6:27–36; 10:27; 11:43; Titus 2:1–8; Hebrews 13:1–6

Leo says in a voice-over narration that he and Paige shared a moment of perfect love together, that they loved physically, emotionally, and in every other way. Few things in life bring us more joy than being in total harmony with another person, but is that what love is? C. S. Lewis wrote The Four Loves, meditating on affection, eros (physical love), friendship, and agape (love of God). The word love is used so loosely and applied so broadly that we are often tempted to deny that people are using it correctly. Consider, though, that Luke uses the same verb to describe how sinners love one another (6:32), how Jesus commands us to love God (10:27), and even how people feel about having the best seat in the temple (11:43)! As Christians we tend to think of “agape” as being a different kind of love, but is it possible that God’s love is different from ours in degree rather than kind?

3. Forgiving and Forgetting
Hebrews 8:7–13; Hosea 14:1–9; Matthew 6:5–15; Romans 2:14–15

Paige’s story is a reminder of how crucial memories are to our identities. How we feel about ourselves is tied to decisions we’ve made and the consequences they have had. We engage in many practices in order to make sure we remember important events. Sometimes we build memorials or monuments. Other times we record our experiences in stories. In modern times we take pictures or videos in order to aid our memories. Sometimes, though, our memories can be snares or traps, keeping us in bondage to anger, bitterness, or resentment. In Hebrews, Paul equates God’s forgiveness with forgetting. Because God’s forgiveness is complete, our relationship with him can be as if things forgiven have never happened. For humans, forgiveness can be more of a struggle. As Paige’s story shows, forgetting without forgiving can leave unresolved conflicts in our hearts that may eventually threaten relationships that look strong on the surface.